Jana Hocking: Problem with ‘simple’ Tinder trick

Jana Hocking: Problem with ‘simple’ Tinder trick

If you believe the research, there’s apparently a very simple trick to get more right-swipes on dating apps – all you need is a hound and a camera.

But in my experience, a puppy is not always the ultimate thirst-trap – it can sometimes be a massive hindrance to your love life.

According to a recent survey by Tinder, 59 per cent of Aussies admit to dating someone because they have a dog. Yep, and 45 per cent of swipers are more likely to swipe right on someone’s picture if they have a dog on their social media and dating app profiles.

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Now that’s all fine and well, but what if your dog is the devil. I’m not joking. I’ll set the scene for you … it’s the day of my 30th birthday and it’s safe to say I’m having a meltdown. Yes, I had listened to society’s standards and decided that 30 was OLD! How the heck did I get to this age without a partner, kids or any form of responsibility?

(Upon reflection it’s probably because I have a deep-seated fear of commitment, no maternal instincts for a child, and enjoy a rather hedonistic life, but 30-year old Jana hadn’t got the memo yet.)

So there I was, anxiously scanning pound websites looking for a pooch that would fill the void of turning 30 all on my lonesome. I came across the tiniest, floofiest fluff ball I’ve charmdate ever seen, and thought, “Right, he’ll do the trick!”

I raced to the pound and as soon as I took the tiny Pomchi (Pomeranian/chihuahua) into my hands I knew I couldn’t give him back. I then raced to the pet store and bought all the gizmos and gadgets you can get for a dog and spent the next 24 hours obsessing over him.

It wasn’t until about a week later that I had an actual “Oh god, what have I done” moment. You see, having a dog as a singleton is a LOT of responsibility. No longer could I choof off for a weekend with the girls without having to organise someone to look after him. I couldn’t simply go from work to drinks without racing home to feed him, and the barking. Oh dear god the barking.

In all the regrets I’ve had over a lifetime, one that stacks up pretty high is not doing my research before purchasing a puppy. You see, it turns out that BOTH Pomeranians and Chihuahua’s are the yappiest dogs of all time and they’re fiercely protective.

It’s now been seven years since I first purchased Ziggy, and while I am madly in love with him and could never, ever give him up. I have to admit that he has been the biggest … how do I say this … well … “c**k blocker” for my love life.

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Despite all the training, YouTube tutorials and stern words in the world, he cannot, and will not allow a man near me in his presence.

Should I bring a bloke back to my apartment after a date, he will LITERALLY bark and growl the house down. He’s even been known to wake up in the middle of the night, realise that a guy is sleeping in his spot and take a bite out of his leg, or arm, or whatever is within nipping range.

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It’s gotten so bad, that now if I know I’m having a rudie, nudie slumber party, I’ll ship Ziggy off to the farm for the weekend.

And you may remember the time I took him to the sexy vet’s for a check-up and it ended it a mortifying disaster that still makes me physically cringe.

So while I think it’s super cute that everyone wants to go on doggie dates these days, I will be reserving mine until the poor bloke is madly in love with me, and has no choice but to accept my psycho hound before we go for a cute lap around the park, devil dog in tow.

Oh, and for those of you swinging by the pound after reading this, you may want to get yourselves a Golden Retriever, Husky or Labrador for that cute selfie you’re about to take, as according to the Tinder survey, they are the most desirable furry four-legged friend for a potential match to have in tow. Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, maybe give it a nice loving home to live in. Think of the good karma and furry snuggles! Hey, it’s not all bad.

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